Today was maybe the hardest day yet. It was supposed to be an easy trek back through the fairy meadow – but my body is so weary! Honestly. Just one foot in front of the other was all I could do. We started out @ 8:20am and got here about 20 minutes ago. For most everyone else it was a stroll.
Jake. I’m so tired of being last. Of being vulnerable. Of being uncomfortable with me. I’m so emotionally spent and it hurts. My whole soul aches. Body and mind.
I walked with Pete a bit and I cried. Maybe today all the emotions are here because I’m physically stronger and rather than concentrating on each single step – though I still did that – I was pounded with emotion and vulnerability like I’ve never felt before.
There were moments today that I was so angry with you. You KNEW. You knew what this trip was going to be like for me and yet you still let me go. How could you have sent me out here knowing what this was going to be? How could you have even thought that I could do this?
And then, I just miss you. I’ll be able to talk to you in 48 hours. Oh Sweetie. I miss you. I just want to be with you. I want you to hold me and tell me you are proud of me and that I never have to do this again. Oh Jake – I need you.
This trip has proved that I can survive without you, but I would never want to. I need your influence in my life. Together we make a team. Apart – oh – let’s never do this again.
For the last descent into camp, Pete carried my pack on his front while he carried his on his back. I was so incredibly thankful. I could have done it, but by then I was so slow and stumbling. Did I mention I am SO FREAKING SICK OF FEELING SLOW?!!
When we got to camp Pete hugged me and told me I was doing a good job and I cried again. Physical Human Contact!! Oh Jake – I miss that!
I’m sunburned. I’m tired and honestly – over being out here. I think it would be different with you.
Oh!! And I have FIVE FREAKING COLD SORES!! So I’m hurting because of that.
Just let me complain for a moment and then I’ll be okay. Really. I laid down in my tent for 30 minutes and that helped, but it’s pretty hot right now. Which is better than rain!!
Bryan and I had a great conversation as we crossed the meadow today. It was about spirituality and the Gospel. It helped to talk through my feelings with him.
On another note – how do I go from so clean to so filthy?! It’s ridiculous! Yesterday I felt so great – today I’m fading.
I wonder what you would do/say if you were here.
A few notes not in the journal:
This day was crazy! I had been so excited when we started out. We were so close to finishing and I had loved hiking through that meadow on the way in. I was looking forward to a wonderful day. And then it turned out to be the most difficult day of the entire trek for me.
Pete and I had a conversation (the one in which I was crying) while we were hiking. I couldn’t put my finger on why I was struggling so much. He reminded me of a conversation we had before we came out. The conversation that I suggested that maybe I wasn’t prepared for this and I should try next year. He had told me that I would probably be uncomfortable but that it would probably be more psychological than physical. While we were making our way through the meadow he asked me if I found this to be true.
That’s when it started to click. For the previous five days I hadn’t thought too much of anything but the physical aspects of what I’d been doing. Every day was a huge physical hurdle that I was overcoming! But on this day, day six, I was physically stronger, my pack was lighter, and the terrain was easy. My mind was now able to go to all those places that it had been blocking up till now.
I felt all the vulnerability of spirit, all the angst, all the anger (aimed at Jake who allowed me to go), all the uncomfortableness (is that a word?) of my situation in a way that was so acute – I had difficult processing it. I stumbled while I walked and cried when anyone talked to me. My poor tent buddy, Laura. I cried to her about always being last. How I hated that every. single. time. I was last. Seriously. I was a mess.
Once we made camp, the day continued with an activity called “Walls” (I describe this in my next journal entry) and a discussion round the campfire. I was so emotionally drained that I was completely checked out during the discussion at the campfire. I sat in a stupor, my eyes half closed, just trying to stay awake.
What makes this day so important is that I had to go through this incredible low in order to have the epiphanies of the next day. I can’t wait to share the next day’s journal entries with you. Day 7. Day 7 was the day that changed everything. It was the day that it all came together.
Remember when I said that 8 days in the backcountry could change your life? Yeah – well, it all came together on Day 7. Stay tuned!!